The world of cinema is a vast and ever-evolving landscape, and sometimes, it's hard to resist the temptation to revisit classic films and give them a modern twist. However, not all remakes are created equal, and some are so bad that they deserve a place on the naughty list. Today, we're taking a look at five movie remakes that never should have happened, according to one expert analyst and commentator. These films are not just remakes; they're examples of how not to approach a beloved original. So, without further ado, let's dive into the cinematic sludge and explore the worst offenders.
5. Poltergeist (2015)
This remake of the 1982 supernatural horror classic is a prime example of how not to mess with a well-loved film. The original Poltergeist, directed by Tobe Hooper and produced by Steven Spielberg, is a masterpiece of suspense and terror. It features unforgettable performances from JoBeth Williams, Craig T. Nelson, and Beatrice Straight, with Zelda Rubenstein's portrayal of the spiritual medium Tangina Barrons being a standout. The 2015 remake, directed by Gil Kenan, fails to capture the essence of the original. It's a paint-by-numbers pseudo-facsimile that lacks the spine-tingling scenes and genuine terror that made the original so iconic. Kenan's version adds nothing to the iconography, resulting in a film that might as well be eaten by a tree or drowned in a pool of dead bodies.
4. Total Recall (2012)
Paul Verhoeven's 1990 science fiction classic is a stone-cold masterpiece, despite its deviations from Philip K. Dick's original novelette. The 2012 remake, directed by Len Wiseman, stars a talented cast, including Colin Farrell, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bill Nighy, and John Cho. However, the characters are bland, the story lacks intrigue, and it's about as satisfying as falling asleep next to a three-breasted alien and waking up to Kuato with a line of drool spilling from his chapped lips. Wiseman's attempt to bring us closer to Dick's novelette falls short, and the world, characters, and thrust of the original film are leagues more memorable.
3. Robocop (2014)
Perhaps we should stop trying to remake Paul Verhoeven movies altogether. José Padilha's Robocop is a prime example of a remake that should never have seen the light of day. The original Robocop, directed by Verhoeven, is a gross, bloody, and scathing commentary on a system that will bring you back to life so that they can work you to death all over again. The 2014 remake, starring Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Abbie Cornish, Jackie Earl Haley, Jay Baruchel, and Samuel L. Jackson, is devoid of vision, has little to say, and lacks the twisted fun of the original. It's a PG-13 rated film that caters to a different audience, and it fails to capture the essence of the iconic character.
2. War of the Worlds (2020)
H.G. Wells is likely spinning in his grave over this one. The original War of the Worlds, a 1938 radio broadcast, caused an unprecedented panic among the public, many of whom believed an ongoing Martian invasion was unfolding in real time. The 2020 remake, directed by Rich Lee, is a claustrophobic Screenlife tragedy that became a viral laughing stock of epic proportions. Filmed in isolation and on a $10 million budget, it's poorly acted, visually compelling, and a grim reminder of times when society would rather flip its fellow humans a middle finger than wear a mask in enclosed spaces. It's not worth the hard drive space it occupies on Amazon's servers.
1. Point Break (2015)
Ericson Core's soulless reimagining of Point Break is a prime example of how not to approach a beloved original. The 1991 action masterpiece, directed by Kathryn Bigelow, is a thrill-ride that features unforgettable chemistry between Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze's characters. Core's remake trades personality for flash, a soundtrack that gets you pumped for a mixtape of throwaway tracks, and intensity for bland action that feels more like the most boring parts of an extreme sports video you found on YouTube than anything that’s genuinely thrilling. It's a reminder of the time wasted watching this movie that I’ll never get back.
In conclusion, these five remakes are not just remakes; they're examples of how not to approach a beloved original. They fail to capture the essence of the original, lack vision, and often result in a film that is wholly unnecessary. It's a reminder that sometimes, it's better to leave the classics alone and let them stand the test of time.
